When i realized i was always the better friend…

“Friend” is such a weird word. To some, it’s very casual, to others extremely serious. People may throw the word around after the first meeting, others may wait months to call someone a friend.

When I was younger, I used to think a friend was just someone you got along with really well. As long as we enjoyed each other’s time together, that was a friend.

Now, at my big age, I realize the word means so much more to me. The word is deep to me. I don’t like throwing it around.

There was a “friend” I had in high-school, around 10th grade, who I thought was my BEST friend, for a few years believe it or not.

Until she proved to me, she wasn’t.

Growing up, I moved a lot. Different cities, states. Just moved. Born and raised in Pittsburgh, PA but spent a few years in Charlotte, NC. I attended 4 different high schools, 3 being in Charlotte. The second one I attended is where I met “Z”. My first day at the school, I had a class and had to introduce myself. As soon as I said “I’m from Pittsburgh”, her eyes got big at me. “You’re from Pittsburgh?!”..”Me too!”.

After that, she was drawn to me. I don’t blame her. Middle of the year, a new girl, from the same place you’re from? Makes sense.

She was younger than me, maybe by a year or a few months? I can’t remember. She was a light brown skin..almost a cinnamon color. A was super skinny and she was slightly thicker. We looked good together as friends.

Thankfully, she understood my personality and humor. Things that others might think were mean or rude, she would get that I just had dark humor. She had an attitude on her as well, but definitely a lot more prissy. Her clothes cost more than mine, I could tell. She took time on her appearance, her hair and nails. She honestly inspired me to straighten up more and be less “tom boy”.

In our first high school together, inseparable. We had a class together, lunch together and I soon realized we lived down the street from one another. When we started to spend time after school, I would see more of her personality. A homebody, socialite, charismatic. She knew how to get her way when talking on the phone with people. Z definitely had a personality you can’t forget.

We would mostly hang at her house because I hated home and I loved her room. She had lots of girly things, pretty clothes and shoes. Her house was quiet and peaceful unless me and her were laughing.

I don’t remember much about our first hang outs with others outside of school. I know once we went to the pool late at night with two boys, it was fine. Maybe we went to the mall or something once, maybe not? I did sleep over her house once or twice but she refused to sleep at mine. Not sure why. However I do remember a few outings that will forever stand out to me in regard to our friendship.

The first was when me, Z and two boys decided to link up one night. Mostly to smoke weed but to just vibe. They picked us up in their car. Drivers seat was a boy, Z sat in the passenger seat, boy 2 was on the left and I was behind Z. We hotboxed, talked a little. Telling jokes. The boy next to me said something I thought was hilarious, plus I was high so everything was funny. I laughed until it hurt. Z’s response? “Indy aint nothing that damn funny”. Noted.

During our friendship I would think Z was a liar but never could prove it. She claimed she was a virgin. Told everyone. But my gut always said “I doubt it”. There was a houseparty one night and Z’s current boyfriend invited us. I don’t remember much about him, he was forgettable. She was the only person I knew there, maybe 25 other teens were there. Liquor, weed, we had it. During the night I felt alone. Z would go missing and it was basically a mansion. Toward the end of the night me, Z, her boyfriend and 2 others ended up in a bedroom, talking, vibing. Eventually, if I recall, Z either asked if she should lose her V card to him or told me she did. But thats all I remember from the entire night really.

Our friendship was never amazing, I just didn’t have any other friends. I was a lone wolf and moved a lot.

The first high school we attended, closed down. It was chaos and ratchet as hell. I don’t blame them. The students got split up within school districts and coincidentally me and Z were sent to the same school. A prominently white high school. Smaller but nice. It was a good school.

As soon as we started there, Z’s entire attitude towards me changed. Not during the first week, but immediately after. We would normally have breakfast together. Then class. We didn’t share any classes together. I was sad because there I was again, alone. In a place I didn’t know.

I guess she made new friends in her classes because one morning I came to school and seen her talking to 3 girls. All pretty. I went up to her, she didn’t introduce me, but finished her conversation and came into breakfast with me.

Me being jealous of it at the time, the first thing I say is “whos that?”..she explains briefly calling them her friends. I go on to say “well if your one friend ever needs her hair done better, tell her she can come to me and ill do it.” My best friends response? “Tell her yourself”…

We stopped talking for awhile after that. I stopped eating breakfast at school and I never seen her because the difference in classes. It rubbed me the wrong way because that was our dark humor. Sarcasm. Shade. But clearly, it changed.

Fast forward to after highschool. I moved to a different area in Charlotte, can’t remember if she did or not. Still had her number and instagram, but we didn’t speak much. If we did it was a I miss you text, hope you’ve been good.

I can’t remember how, but we would talk in my early 20s still. Phone calls, life updates. I told her I moved to LA, she told me she moved back to Pittsburgh. I would tell her my Hollywood experiences, she would tell me her college ones. I even remember her telling me she got her kitty cat pierced and I was shocked. “Okay Ms.Virgin”. Even though we talked a little, we hadn’t seen each other in person, since that day in highschool. Crazy.

Fast forward to my 24th birthday. I decided to finally start traveling and my plan was to go to Hawaii. Looking at pricing, I was making some money and figured I could afford to pay for my “best friends Z” to come along as well. All she had to do was show up.

A few months prior, my good friend Ant was murdered in his home in LA and it crushed me, so this trip was going to help heal me from that.

I call up Z, and tell her the birthday plan. She’s excited and says she will let me know her schedule! A few weeks go by and it time to book the trip so I texted her and let her know.

Her response? “I can’t come because im going to Atlanta.” Hmm…must be a family thing or something. No.

“Im going to see this guy Ive met before.”

Yea. A guy. Not a boyfriend. Not a husband.

Shocked was an understatement. Instead of going off immediately, I wanted to hear the dynamic of their relationship.

Apparently she met him before, they vibed, and she decided to go see him again? Funny. Laughable. Yes, I was insulted. Mad. Upset.

I still, booked my trip, packed my bags, and went alone. It was beautiful. It was amazing. It was perfect.

While on my birthday trip, Z calls me. I guess the first day there, things were great. When he woke up the next morning, said he had football practice and left. It was day 3, she still hadn’t heard from him, while staying in his home. Hilarious to me. She was sad, upset, irritated. Did I care? Absolutely not.

I hang up on her and text her for the very last time. “Why would you bother me on my birthday trip, while im healing from my friend’s death, and you decided to fly to see a man instead of celebrating your closest friend’s birthday?!”. Blocked. Obviously. Because it was as clear as day after that, she was never my friend..led alone my best friend.

A best friend is the BEST friend you could have. I was the BEST friend she had. I’d do anything for Z. I’d drop anything to go see her if she asked. She never did by the way. She never asked if I could go visit her. She didn’t care.

Nowadays, I know a friend. I know what it is. How it feels. What it means. I don’t take it for granted. I love my friends. And they love me back. My friends are actually friends. And it shows.